Cybercreationism Takes Off

By Thom Whalen

ASMU News Service


A new approach to computer programming is sweeping the United States. CyberCreationism, also known as Intelligent Design of Software, is the latest software design methodology that is being adopted by a large number of American computer programmers.

Michael Parson, the inventor of CyberCreationism (or CC as it is known to its adherents) explains the need for a new software design methodology. “Human beings are limited in their ability to understand the infinite. Every year we need to program computers to solve ever more complex problems so every year we become more aware of our intellectual insignificance. To transcend our limitations, we must accept the assistance of a greater programming power.”

Parson explains that most software created by man is riddled with bugs. “It has been reported that ninety per cent of the programs that we write are never used, either because they are not reliable, or because they do not solve the right problem. We have hit an intellectual wall.”

Parson, the head of the Computer Science Department at Aimee Semple McPherson University (ASMU), has impressive academic credentials. He has published three books, including the popular Everyman’s Guide to Scientific Hoaxes, and numerous articles in journals such as Errors in the Theory of Evolution.

Parson began development of his new programming methodology when he became aware of the failure of traditional software development methodologies. “The experts disagreed with one another. Structured Design experts were fighting with Xtreme Programming experts at conferences all over the world. If the experts disagreed then obviously they did not have the right answers. We had to look elsewhere for guidance.”

Parson found his guidance in The Holy Bible. “God did not put us on this earth without guidance. He gave us the answers to all problems in His Book. If He can create the universe with all of its complexities, then He can surely create a computer program to calculate the interest on the national debt. He is the ultimate programmer and He has shown us the way to access the power of computers. We need only to ask Him.”

One can feel the power that Parson describes when one enters his laboratory. Muted shafts of light from stained glass windows depicting Bill Gates and Steve Jobs shine down on the computer on the altar, making it glow with a preternatural aura. The programming team kneels before the machine, chanting their prayers in a soothing rhythm. There is no keyboard in evidence. “We don’t need a keyboard because God enters the keystrokes and God never makes a typo.” Nor is there a monitor attached to the computer. “The results of God’s program are too sublime to be displayed on a monitor. God gives His results directly to our programmers through divine revelation.” Suddenly one of the programmers jumps up and shouts, “Forty-two!” The other programmers shout, “Hallelujah!” in response. Parson smiles and says, “Praise be to God.” The programmers return to their prayers. Parson explains that that was only an intermediate calculation, not the final output.

Other computer science laboratories are cluttered with messy piles of computer manuals on every available surface, including the floor, but there are no programming manuals in Parson’s laboratory – only a single copy of the Bible open on an olive wood podium. “We don’t have to waste our time reading boring computer manuals when we have the Holy Book. God already knows what’s in the manuals,” Parson assures us.

When asked about programs that have been completed, Parson smiles broadly. “We’ve already finished a number of important programs. Our first, and most important, program was to ask the computer if the Intelligent Software Design approach was correct and, after only two days of prayer, the answer was delivered. God’s program assured us that CyberCreationism is the one true programming methodology. All other programming methodologies are false paths built by Lucifer to lead us away from God’s light by confusing us and drowning us in tedious details.

“We have also calculated that Creationism is the correct answer to the development of life – that the Theory of Evolution is wrong. And we have calculated that the Pentecostal Church is the only true Christian church.”

And the national debt? “We did write the national debt program and the result shows the sublime understanding that God provides. A human being would write a program to do some kind of accounting. God, though, replied that the national debt does not matter. Only the world debt matters because God gives all the resources of the world to his chosen people. And there is no world debt because God put enough resources in the world to provide for every American’s needs. Our only debt is to God and he is a forgiving banker. He tells Americans to spend as much as we need to ensure that we are the greatest power in the world. Praise be to God.”

Parson is understandably optimistic about the future of CyberCreationism. “CC is obviously divinely inspired, and that is why it is sweeping the nation. A Department of Defense committee, guided by our Commander-in-Chief and the prayers of Cabinet, has recommended that CC be made the only acceptable programming methodology for defense programmers and defense contractors. That will ensure that CC becomes the national standard methodology, in the same way that DoD made ADA the national standard programming language in the ’80s. With the Department of Defense on our side, how can we lose? Even as we speak, legions of defense programmers are throwing away their programming manuals and learning to pray. Never again will a Patriot Missile fail to bring down an evil SCUD because of a programming error. And the best part is that Islamic terrorists will never be able to hack our networks because God is not on their side. Praise the Lord!”

And the private sector? Parson says, “I have been told that Microsoft is already relying on prayer to keep their operating systems secure from hackers. It is only a matter of time until we have brought the whole American software industry down on its knees. Amen!”